The Church of America

I am of the opinion that the Church of Scientology International should be declared the official religion of the United States of America. Lately I've been thinking about these two fine groups, and I really think that they're made for each other. Let us compare the two groups' management and their principles:

MONEY
Is there anything that money can't buy in America? We sell everything, even our votes are for sale. We sell them to the politician that promises us the biggest tax breaks and three month gas tax holidays. Our politicians then turn around and sell their votes in Congress and the White House to the corporation who will send them on the most paid trips to Scotland to play golf. Everything that we have has a price on it. Why not our faith? From Scientology's educated point of view our salvation should cost us, and by Hubbard, we're willing to pay for it. We've got people all the way from Joe Blue-Collar-American to Tom Rich-As-Hell Cruise doling out money to get control of their Body Thetans. It only makes sense that this pricey religion for the everyman be made into the Church of America!

POWER
If there's one thing we love more than money here it the good ol' U.S. of A, it's the power that the money buys. I don't think anyone understands this more than David Miscaviage, the current head of the Church of Scientology. This is a man who has used the power of money to convince the I.R.S. that what is clearly organized and making money as a corporation is in fact a non-profit religion that should be tax exempt. And if you can convince the I.R.S. that you shouldn't be paying taxes, you can convince me! The only other people who can manage this feat are giant corporations like Exxon-Mobile, and they had to set up off shores tax havens to get around those pesky taxes. Scientology clearly understands what it means to be American, because they didn't even have to leave the countries jurisdiction for their tax exempt status. This is just another great reason to make them our national Church.

FEAR
Who in the world is better at striking fear into the hearts of their enemies than America? We have a nuclear stockpile that made Soviet Russia shake in their boots, we've got "Shock and Awe" tactics in the Middle East, we've got the P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act and it's warrant free wiretapping here at home, and if anyone understands that this is the way towards freedom, it's the Church of Scientology. To protect their copyrighted documents on The Bridge to Total Freedom the Church has been attacking anyone who leaks this information onto the Internet with their mightiest weapon: Litigation! If there's anything that represents America is the power of the lawsuit. In an effort to keep Freedom proprietary the Church understands that it needs to strike fear into the minds and hearts of all those un-American thieves that would claim that Freedom shouldn't cost them money. Clearly these people know what America is all about.

These correlations in policy and values just shows that the Church of Scientology and the United States of America were made for each other, so it's up to us to convince them to tie the knot. To not push for a declaration of their love would be entirely un-American and if we don't, shame on us all for not embracing this marriage with all of our hearts (and wallets).